Dad advice: Never waste a trip

Three and a half years after I moved to my current city, I took the leap into homeownership. Landlords that didn’t seem to care about their property got old and I wanted some sort of control over my domicile. Dad visited to help me on moving day. We moved everything we could physically carry and that would fit in our cars so that the movers, who charged by the hour, could handle the oversized, heavy lifting. My apartment was on the second floor, so there were many trips down and then back up the stairs. During one trip down, my dad caught me with empty hands and hollered after me “Grab something! Never waste a trip!” Very slightly annoyed, though knowing he was correct, I backtracked and picked up a box and headed back down the stairs. To this day, 19 years later, I hear his voice in my head each time I leave a room or walk towards stairs. Does anything upstairs need to go downstairs? Is there anything downstairs needing to go upstairs? I’d certainly be annoyed if I realized later that I needed something left there that I hadn’t grabbed and then have to go get it.

In the past couple of years, this advice grew to have a deeper meaning for me. To sum up, we are given one shot on this planet, unless you believe in reincarnation, so don’t waste your time doubting, avoiding, acting on others’ opinions and not yours, or doing the easy thing. I’ve started practicing this credo at work and in my personal life. It hasn’t been easy, I haven’t been perfect at it, and it is sometimes terrifying, but I’m trying and I think it may be getting easier.

In semi-recent history, I lost who I was professionally, which deeply affected me personally, for many years. My voice was gone, as were my ideas. Lack of confidence suppressed them. As I slowly mended, the ideas started churning and my voice grew louder. For awhile, it seemed like I wouldn’t shut up, the thoughts and ideas kept flying out of my mouth as if they had been waiting to come out all of those years. It felt great to be back, but better, and I have vowed never to go back to that space again. Though learning to temper some emotions that came with it, my voice is welcomed and appreciated and I have the confidence to share it now and even in the future or in spaces where it may not be as welcomed. Someone’s got to say it!

AI is the oft repeated acronym uttered everywhere these days. When said in my vicinity, I either state “Google summaries conflate everything,” ask “why do vendors keep shoving AI into our products and charge more when they know no one can afford them,” or I just roll my eyes. Despite all of this, I was asked to be on our library’s AI taskforce. I’m not the only grumpy voice and I did state in our last meeting that I’m flirting with the idea of experimenting with AI to parse metadata in a project this year. I said parse, not generate! My big AI user coworker about fell out of her chair, but with delight, at my statement. Other thoughts and ideas I've had at work also include "wild" or questionings of current practices and dissents. Some of these ideas and dissents don’t fly and I’m generally ok with it. The times I haven’t been ok is when I haven’t communicated my needs well and group communication dynamics were rushed, creating a perfect storm. But our group has also been learning from one another as we form and strengthen our team.

I’ve also been sharing my ideas and dissents more and more within professional organizations, which aren’t as nimble as my work environment. I think I’m becoming one of those librarians I was in awe of early in my career who would argue at the mic during business meetings over bylaws changes, with me wondering what the big deal was. I haven’t had my mic moment yet, but I foresee one before my professional days are over. During my "voiceless" years, I did remain active, but I didn’t stick my neck out too far. I didn’t have the energy or drive that I do now. After talking with someone who has been in an elected position who advised that influence doesn’t always come from those positions, I inquired about chairing a committee I had just joined and everyone thought it was a great idea, I’m now chair designate, taking on chair next year. If you don’t ask, you may not get. And it’s the perfect committee for me to lead, as I’ve been among the organization’s ranks for a long time and have heard from fellow members what changes they’d like. I’m all about change for good. I may not be able to make them happen, but from my past experiences with change, seeds need to get planted first. Change is inevitable. On a committee in another organization, we were tasked with changing the approach to our work to ensure the membership would have equitable access to the fruits of our charge in today‘s current climate. After bemoaning the spot we were in, compromises were made and it seemed the new approach was fixed. Though I did not like the changes we needed to make, the proposed changes barely addressed the issue so I spoke up to that effect. The chair and others were puzzled at first and asked for further explanation. I tried my best to explain, which is hard for me to articulate at times, especially when things seem perfectly obvious to me. Then someone else meekly raised their hand and stated they agreed with me. With further discussion, more changes were made that satisfied. I have become the student in class that asks the question when others are afraid to, but are waiting for someone else to do so first. Shoot your shot, say so when you don’t understand or don’t agree. You may not get what you want but you will have been heard and you won’t stew about wishing you’d spoken up later. Others may not like what you have to say either and that is something you need to learn to be ok with as well. I’m able to take the personal about of many situations, even personal ones! Decency and logic, they cross all situations. Behave accordingly, admit when you are wrong, and it‘s ok to change your mind.

In my personal life, whether it be family, friends, or (potential) partners, my voice wanted to be on full blast but often fell into being one of accommodation. Middle child syndrome, the peacemaker, the quiet one, never any trouble. I fell in line, though had moments of mouthiness, being out of ”character” or was I? The patriarchy also instilled behaviors in me, as it does to all women. We get twisted up reacting to the inconsistent behavior of men as we try to solve the puzzle and prove that we are lovable. Add to all of this, me being very shy, though that got easier as I grew up, but I still have my moments when I can’t look at someone in the eye whom I have some attraction towards. It should get easier, right? Right?!?

As I’ve been through various experiences with friends and men, learning a lot about people and myself, I look back at those I’ve met and think I may have missed my shot. I was busy either with another friend or hung up on that guy who was self-destructing and decided not to go see the band of that one quiet guy I briefly interacted with who suggested I see a band he was playing with that weekend. Dude was totally my type too: reserved, smart, in grad school, serious, artistic. All that was missing were the attachment issues on his sleeve. Totally not my type back then.

I know I can’t live my life with “what’s ifs.” I could do that all day about the jobs I didn’t get, but the one thing I can do now, with the lessons I’ve learned and confidence I’ve gained, is to speak my mind and shoot my shot. Having not been on a first date since 2014 (long-term relationship plus time spent getting back to me), 2026 seems so much more like a hellscape for dating than it had been back then. Even more so, it doesn’t seem that many people are stepping up and being their authentic selves. They ghost more and it’s accepted, they lack effort, are inconsistent, breadcrumb. Ok, yes, there are those with childhood attachment trauma. But are ya gonna live the rest of your life like that? What's your plan? I’m tired of injecting my dysfunction into relationships and attracting the same into the dynamic. Beyond that, this behavior seems lazy. Do something. Do the hard thing, whether it‘s feeling and expressing and pursuing the connection or awkwardly rejecting someone. Stop skulking in the shadows like a creep. Show some effort. Step up. Be co-assertive in the dynamic. Don’t make the other person step down and twist themselves around. And yes, I’ve been saying this to myself too. I attempted to shoot my shot last year and it landed like a thud. It woke me up to the harsh reality of where we are today, so no regrets. I got near to shooting my shot recently, but backed off after reading signals. I don’t see men out and about very often that seem interesting to me, but I do tend to retire to my house somewhat early for the night unless there is an event I really want to attend that goes late. Things can get unruly as the night goes on, and frankly, it’s no longer my scene. It can be fun to visit every once in awhile, but I don’t want to live there. So, I’m packing my schedule with events that suit my interests, many that I’ve ignored over the years. It’s exciting to get back to them: art exhibits, a symphony performance, a play, a silent film with live music, various music things … and I’m doing all of these things by myself. Why try to find someone to go with me? I’m my best company, naturally. I never have to wait on myself and I‘m super interesting. I'm forever amusing myself. Maybe I’ll meet people that like all the mismatched things I do, maybe they’ll ignore me. That’s fine. They aren’t my people. I’ll talk with anyone. Well, if you think the world is going in the right direction right now, probably not you. But generally anyone. Don't get me wrong, it can get tiresome putting yourself out there with nothing to show for your efforts, but lack of reciprocity means they aren't your people. And curiosity about someone is best spent by taking action. Time is precious. Don't waste it living in your head. And the things you experience are good for your soul.

Somewhat related, but not, and what’s a post without a rant:

What’s this nonchalant business? When did people stop showing that they care? Is there some sort of emotional Botox on the market I’m unaware of? Maybe it‘s always been like that and I‘m just now realizing that’s it’s the norm and considered high expectations if you think people should show that they give a damn. I can’t be nonchalant. I can’t detach from the outcome completely. I’m not a robot. The captcha still believes me even though the crosswalks or motorcycles are getting harder to see with my worsening nearsightedness. I’ll tell you how I’m feeling. I can’t play it cool. I mean, I am cool, I can’t help it. And sure I have a resting bitch face, but that’s just because I shouldn’t be required to smile all the time, Mr. Patriarchy, thank you very much. I’m really bad at flirting and have been told by friends I give off “taken“ or “You're not where I'm at, fella” vibes, which ok, I‘m not changing that last one because I won't shrink who I am. I’m an introvert too and I don’t drink, so no lack of abandon or silliness from me unless we’re about to see some baby animals or something. I have played it nonchalant when I’ve been subjected to overhearing a couple on a first date and I’m dying on her behalf because the dude is doing all the talking about how great he is. On patriarchal stationary, he’s a 10, but girl, you can do so much better. Anyway, if I think you're cool, I'll tell you so. If you're being a dick, I'll tell you too. Depending on who you are, I might be gentle about it. And if you hurt my feelings, I'll tell you that you did. If you reject me, I will be little disappointed, but I'll survive. And if I say or do something hurtful to you, I'll own up to it. /rant

Currently, we seem to be living in end times. Whether its the overreach of governments, social norms, or technology, what would be the point of looking to the future if it's going to be bleak or simply end all together? We can't predict what will happen in the future, but the future is shaped by the present. Why not do now what would make you happy? I'm surprisingly not spiraling about the AI vs AI smackdowns going on. Just trying to live my best life and be kind to others.

Shoot your shot.

Never waste a trip.

Dad said so.

Miss you Dad.